Savour the sense of achievement when you come to tick off the goals you have achieved and do this with a sense of gratitude, both for the opportunities you’ve had and the people you’ve met along the way who’ve enabled you to get to where you are.
After all that activity, put your feet up for some well-earned rest and recu- peration, watch the movie UP, and see how Ellie creates her journal (turn to Chapter 24 for more on UP and Ellie’s diary.)
Just Go for It
In her ‘Passion to Publication’ writing workshops, Kate coaches many budding authors at various stages of their projects, authors such as Janice.
Janice was putting all her spare time and passion into researching and writ- ing a travel guide. At one point, she started to lose motivation and talked about a relative who belittled her efforts by saying things such as: ‘Don’t expect any people to buy the book.’
Janice was hurt and stunned and wondered why she was unable to move through her writing block. Then she realised that she was doing what the negative relative had wanted, and failed, to do. Janice was following her pas- sion whereas the relative was deeply envious of her travel adventures.
Unfortunately, you’ll encounter people in the world who operate from a posi- tion of believing that they have few or no options and project their fears and lack of confidence on to others. They hate the fact that others are free from such limitations, and so – remembering the NLP presupposition that ‘there is no failure, only feedback’ – you can be like Janice and have the courage to chase your dreams.
Winning Friends and Influencing People
Have you ever wondered what makes you tick but not known where to start? Or been confused when people behave in unexpected ways? Don’t worry: this part helps many things become clearer to you so that you can connect elegantly with all kinds of characters. You see that life’s all about people connecting with one another.
You find out about two key subjects of NLP known as Sensory Awareness and Rapport: the first is all about noticing more of the world around you and how you can engage with it, and without the second you simply don’t get listened to.
We also show you the value of hearing how people use words in different ways, and how to switch perspective so that you can see a situation from another point of view.
We want you to begin to master the skills of great communicators, and if you read the chapters in this part you’re well on your way.
Pushing the Communication Buttons
In This Chapter
▶ Discovering the NLP communication model
▶ Taking total responsibility for any interaction
▶ Understanding how others communicate
▶ Communicating effectively
▶ Disengaging your emotions and focusing on your results
When you’re engaged in a dialogue, for what percentage of the com- munication do you think you’re responsible? Did you say 50 per cent?
After all, two people are involved in a dialogue, and so logically each of you has half the responsibility to make and elicit responses, right?
If you’re familiar with the following NLP presuppositions (which we discuss in detail in Chapter 2), you’d reply that you’re 100 per cent responsible:
✓ The meaning of the communication is the response it elicits.
✓ If what you’re doing isn’t working, do something different.
✓ The person with the most flexibility within a system influences the system.
This chapter shows you how to take total responsibility for any communica- tion in which you’re involved. We provide tools to help you become more aware of how the people with whom you’re communicating are transforming what they receive through their senses: what they hear you say and what they see and feel. When you understand their thinking process, you have the means to adapt your words, deeds, and actions to get the response you want.
Do bear in mind that in this chapter we’re giving you a general overview of how people’s filters affect the messages they receive. We explore this aspect in more detail in other chapters: for example, Chapter 8 describes the meta programs that you run and Chapter 15 tells you more about the deletions, distortions, and generalisations that we introduce in this chapter.
What you intend to communicate isn’t necessarily the message that the recipi- ent understands.
Introducing the NLP Communication Model
The NLP communication model is based on cognitive psychology and was developed by Richard Bandler and John Grinder.
According to the NLP communication model, when people behave in a certain way (their external behaviour), a chain reaction is set up within you (your internal response), which in turn causes you to respond in some way (your external behaviour), which then creates a chain reaction within the other person (their internal response), and the cycle continues. Figure 5-1 shows this chain reaction.
Figure 5-1:
The circle of communica-
tion.
Internal Response
External Behaviour
External Behaviour
Internal Response
The internal response is made up of an internal process (consisting of self-talk, pictures, and sounds) and an internal state (the feelings that are experienced).
The following sections present two scenarios, showing the NLP communica- tion model in practice.
Scenario 1
For some people, today has been a lovely, hot summer’s day. But the air- conditioning in the office wasn’t working and Dan had an awful day. He gets in the car and with a sigh of relief puts on the air-conditioning to battle his weary way home. His son, Drew, had promised he would cut the grass. Dan’s looking forward to sitting out on a tidy, freshly mown lawn with a glass of chilled lager. As he drives up he notices the grass is uncut.
Dan storms into the house, so caught up in his emotions that all he can feel is bitter resentment welling up. He starts ranting at Drew, who retreats into his sullen teenage shell muttering about the broken lawnmower, a statement that Dan doesn’t hear. Finally, Drew yells ‘Cut the damn grass yourself,’ as he storms off. Neither person is willing to communicate any more and both slide down the spiral of shouting, slammed doors, and finally silence.
In this example, when Dan explodes, the uncut grass is the trigger for setting up an internal state of anger, resentment, and frustration in him. The inter- nal process may be a monologue such as, ‘He promised. I knew I shouldn’t expect anything from him. We always give him the best and he always lets us down.’ This monologue is accompanied with pictures from the past when Drew didn’t live up to Dan’s expectations.
Dan’s external behaviour of ranting at Drew, in that particular tone of voice or with that look on his face, provokes an internal state in Drew. Drew may experience feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration very similar to those felt by Dan. He may make pictures of previous altercations with his father and know that he isn’t going to be heard, just like all those other times.
Drew’s external behaviour of adopting his usual, sulking manner and mutter- ing may then further inflame his father . . . and so the process continues.
Scenario 2
Now imagine scenario 2. Dan drives up and sees the uncut grass. Instead of exploding, he recognises his internal state and how that can affect his behav- iour. So he takes a deep breath and asks Drew why the grass hasn’t been cut. Drew, expecting recriminations, gets defensive as he explains that the mower broke down. From past experience, Dan realises that Drew is likely to retreat into his shell and so he offers to show Drew how to mend the mower.
He chills out with a glass of lager before helping Drew carry out the repairs.
Drew mows the lawn before the family sits down to a companionable meal.
In this scenario the father changes his internal process and makes a con- scious effort to remember when he was a teenager himself, in need of guid- ance and a firm hand. He decides on the result he wants from his interaction with the teenager and, having disengaged his emotions, is able to proceed down the path that keeps communication channels open in order to achieve the desired outcome: to get Drew to mow the lawn.
This scenario illustrates how, by putting the NLP presuppositions into prac- tice, Dan is able to achieve his outcome of having Drew mow the lawn. (For example, the presupposition that ‘the person with the most flexibility in a system is the winner’.) The male bonding is an added bonus. The response he gets from Drew when the teenager starts to become defensive is obviously not the one Dan wants. Dan has the flexibility to recognise Drew’s behaviour patterns and modify his own responses in order to get his outcome, thereby controlling the system.
Understanding the Process of Communication
John Grinder and Richard Bandler discovered that master communicators have three sets of capabilities:
✓ They know what they want.
✓ They’re very good at noticing the responses they get.
✓ They have the flexibility to modify their behaviour until they get what they want.
Simon taught Kate some valuable lessons about dealing with people. Simon always manages to keep his cool and usually achieves his outcome even in the most difficult situations. He does so by distancing himself from his emotions and keeping his focus on the result he wants. He also attempts to understand the other person’s point of view in order to arrive at a win–win result.
Everybody processes information differently and so reacts to situations dif- ferently. Wouldn’t it be really useful to understand how another person’s brain works? Read on for some clues.
Processing pieces of information
Professor George Miller conducted research into how many bits of data people can process at any given time. He came to the conclusion that a person can hold seven, plus or minus two, bits of information; that is, nine bits if they’re feeling good or have an interest in a subject and as few as five if
they’re feeling a bit low or aren’t particularly interested in what they’re trying to remember. If you’re not into multi-tasking, you may have trouble coping with more than one!
Every second you’re hit by millions of bits of information. If you tried to deal with this vast array of input, you’d go mad. In order to preserve your sanity, you filter the incoming information before your brain processes it and makes internal representations from this information (we discuss internal represen- tations more in Chapter 2).
In addition, all your different experiences and filters influence the processes by which you create these internal representations of the external events you perceive through your senses.
The way in which the external stimuli of the world are converted into internal representations in your brain involves three fundamental processes: dele- tions, distortions, and generalisations. The following sections give you a brief overview of these processes. For more in-depth information, head to Chapter 15.
Deletion
Deletions happen when you pay attention to some information coming in through your senses but are completely oblivious to other stimuli. Think of a nutty professor, so caught up in his work that he leaves home wearing his bedroom slippers.
Kate’s story about her mother-in-law illustrates nicely how your unconscious mind makes deletions. Her mother-in-law used to travel by bus to Kennington in London to work for The Children’s Society, a British charity. Normally she put her rubbish out before returning for her handbag and briefcase. One morning, however, she was running a little late and grabbed all three bags together – handbag, briefcase, and rubbish bag. Only when she found herself sitting on the bus, thinking that it was really whiffy that morning, did she realise that she’d taken her rubbish bag on to the bus with her!
Distortion
A distortion occurs when you misinterpret information coming in through your senses and create meaning from a situation that’s not necessarily true:
for example, when a wife complains that her husband ‘didn’t help me and so that means he doesn’t care’. You may see what you want to see to reinforce your viewpoint instead of what’s in front of your eyes. Distortion can also involve deletion of information.
A cynic may say that being in love is a form of distortion, where you go all starry-eyed behind your rose-tinted glasses (to mix metaphors), completely oblivious to the faults of your ‘perfect’ partner. Perhaps you’re so keen to find your true love that you ignore aspects of the person’s behaviour that can ruin the relationship in the long term.
Romilla was driving down a dual carriageway late one night, when it started to rain: a very fine, misty drizzle. She could see a white, ethereal figure in the dis- tance, by the side of the road. With a pounding heart, the conversation with herself went something as follows:
‘Oh my goodness, it’s a ghost.’
‘Don’t be stupid, there’s no such thing as ghosts.’
‘You know you’re being idiotic. It isn’t a ghost.’
‘Yes it is. What if it’s a ghost?’
‘But it isn’t.’
‘Yes it is.’
And so on. To her extreme relief, but also in another sense bitter disappoint- ment, the figure turned out to be a tramp in white plastic sheeting looking really spooky in the misty rain.
This anecdote involves distorting an image, but you can also distort the meaning of another person’s actions.
Jacqui had a male boss, Tom, who because of his cultural background, found dealing with women at work very difficult, and was very abrupt in his interac- tions with female employees. Jacqui misunderstood Tom’s behaviour and decided Tom didn’t like her; she distorted the facts. The situation may have spiralled out of control if Jacqui hadn’t confided her misgivings to another col- league. When Jacqui understood that Tom’s upbringing was responsible for his behaviour, she no longer reacted emotionally. As a result her behaviour changed to reflect her confidence in herself, which resulted in an improve-
Persecuted by the number seven
Here’s a revealing quote by George Miller, from his article ‘The magical number seven plus or minus two’:
My problem is that I have been persecuted by an integer. For seven years this number has followed me around, has intruded in my most private data, and has assaulted me from the pages of our most public journals. This number assumes a variety of disguises, being
sometimes a little larger and sometimes a little smaller than usual, but never changing so much as to be unrecognisable. The persistence with which this number plagues me is far more than a random accident. There is, to quote a famous senator, a design behind it, some pattern gov- erning its appearances. Either there really is something unusual about the number or else I am suffering from delusions of persecution.
Generalisation
You make a generalisation when you transfer the conclusions you came to from one experience to other similar situations or occurrences. Imagine that you gave a very good speech that was well received. Afterwards, you may form a generalisation that you’re good at public speaking.
Generalisations can be useful; they help you to build a cognitive map of the world. If you didn’t generalise, for example, you’d need to relearn the alpha- bet and how to put together individual letters every time you read a book.
Generalisations allow you to build on what you already know, without rein- venting the wheel.
They can be limiting, though. The beliefs you hold about your world are generalisations and you delete and distort to the best of your ability to hold them in place. So, in other words, your generalisations can become restric- tive because they can make you less likely to accept or trust actions and events that don’t fit with your preconceived notions.
This tendency can in turn lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. Confidence and self-doubt are two sides of a coin. When you feel confident about doing some- thing, the chances are that you’re usually successful because you expect a positive result. Even on the odd occasion when things don’t work out quite as you’d wanted, you move on. If you’re riddled with self doubt, however, and convinced something isn’t going to work out or no one’s going to talk to you when you go to an event, a very high chance exists that your experience goes on to reflect your beliefs. Do you experience a slight disappointment when someone or a situation fails to meet your worst expectations? And do you feel a little triumphant when you’re duly disappointed? Sometimes, having your negative generalisation confirmed is more satisfying than a situa- tion going better than expected. How self-defeating is that!
Getting to grips with individual responses
When different people are exposed to the same external stimuli, they don’t remember the event, and react to it, in the same way. The difference is because all people delete, distort, and generalise differently based on their own meta programs, values, beliefs, attitudes, memories, and decisions: we discuss these aspects in the next few sections.
Meta programs
Meta programs, which we describe in more detail in Chapter 8, are filters.
They are the way in which you reveal your patterns of behaviour through your language. For instance, someone who’s inclined to take charge and get things done (meaning that they display more proactive tendencies) may be heard to say, ‘Don’t give me excuses, just give me results.’ Whereas someone who’s likely to take their time to think things over before acting (a reactive
tendency) is likely to be heard saying, ‘Don’t rush, think about all the factors and make sure that the results are right.’
If these leanings are abused and combined with a tendency to generalise, you may end up pigeonholing people: for example, ‘you mean Tom, that geeky introvert?’ (distortion) or ‘yeah, typical salesman, always in your face’ (gen- eralisation). Remember, however, that people can change their behaviour patterns, depending on the environment and situation in which they find themselves.
Table 5-1 contains a little taster about introvert/extrovert tendencies and how they affect your filtration process. Both of these tendencies are basic meta programs. Although your meta programs are there in the background, you tend to have a proclivity to focus on certain aspects of particular meta programs, depending on different situations. For example, think of social interactions and how a gregarious person behaves as opposed to someone who’s more solitary.
Table 5-1 Comparison of Introvert and Extrovert Meta Programs
Introverts Extroverts
Want to be alone to recharge their batteries
Need to have people around when in need of rest and relaxation
Have a few friends with whom they have a deep connection
Have a lot of friends with whom they con- nect at a more superficial level
May take a real or imagined slight to heart
May not notice the slight and if they do may attribute it to the other person having a bad day
Are interested in a few topics, which they know in great detail
Know about a lot of things, but not in as much detail as an introvert
Tend to be more solitary Tend to be more gregarious
An introvert isn’t superior to an extrovert and an extrovert is as good as an introvert.
A useful way to think of how meta programs work is to imagine a sliding scale with a tendency towards one aspect or another at a certain time and in a par- ticular setting (as illustrated in Figure 5-2).
At work, where you’re confident and enjoy the environment, you may find yourself behaving like an extrovert. This tendency allows your antennae to pick up a broader band of information and has you noticing contacts and opportunities that help you in your job. When meeting your colleagues in a social setting, however, you may feel very uncomfortable and slide along the scale to display more introverted tendencies. As a result of your discomfort,